Blog of Reality

Well I have decided to start chronicling my day to day activities for myself.  I feel exhausted.  I feel exhausted not just today but EVERY day.  I can't imagine why. Every day is a work day.  If I am not working my 8 hour shift at Gundersen I am working my shift at home.  Lots of people say you can't count your home duties or being a mom as work because it is the joy of your life.  Ha!  Although my kids are the joy of my life they are still hard work.

Today started out as usual.  Up at 530am to feed Austin.  After feeding him I got up and did my usual of gathering my breast feeding supplies for the day so they are ready for work.  Then I make sure Austin's pumped bottles are ready to go for the babysitter.  Then either me or Jason wakes up Riley to get him ready for the day.  Then it is out the door off to the babysitters for the day.  Riley usually wines and cries in the back seat because he wants more milk, or a different car or some damn thing that I am not going to be able to get for him as I am driving and then I get to listen to the beautiful noise of a three year olds wining.  Then once we arrive at Judy's I am hoping today will be a good day.  What I mean by this is that today Riley will walk like a good little boy all by himself into Judy's house and not have a temper tantrum about something.  I carry Austin in his "100 pound" car seat while racing Riley to the front door as this is sometimes the only way to motivate him to get from the car to Judy's front door.  This is if we are having a good day.  On a bad day I have to carry Austin into Judy's and then return for my kicking and screaming little boy and carry him in as well so I can make it to work on time.  Phew I am already tired and the day has just begun.  Then I arrive at work and drink some coffee to give myself energy for the day.  I work all day long and then go to my parents house to pick up the kids and cart the "100 pound" car seat with Riley out to the car to head on home.  Once I am home I try my best to be as quiet as possible to avoid waking my husband up whom may have not gotten any sleep during the day while we were away.  It is an impossible task to keep a baby and a three year old quiet and I am tired!  I spend the evening watching kid shows which none of them I am at all wanting to watch but hoping it will keep Riley's attention for at least 15 minutes so I can pick up the dirty house, make supper, do dishes and "God knows" what else.  Most of the time Riley does not watch the show anyway.  Not to mention Austin is roaming around picking everything up and putting it in his mouth and getting into everything he is not supposed to.  Most of the time I find it easier to just carry him around which makes everything else harder to do.  Then Riley runs around the house screaming and acting like a crazy 3 year old and I can't get him to settle no matter what I do. I have no idea how to discipline him and he won't listen to me.  Tonight I gave him a bath and after about 2 minutes I told him it was time to get out.  He proceeded to stay in the bath and on top of it jumped up and down splashing water all over the floor.  I am holding the baby telling him to stop and he won't listen, meanwhile I can see water all over the floor.  I go put Austin in his boppy and return to Riley to try to get him out of the tub and he has a temper tantrum about how he won't get out and it is a big fight that ends with me having to physically pick him up and take him out of the bath so I can return to Austin who is screaming in the other room.  Then I try to bribe Riley by offering him a treat so he will maybe sit down and watch a show so we can start mellowing out for bedtime.  Does not work he won't sit and he pulls out all of his toys all over and makes a mess.  I give up on cleaning the mess as I can't even control my children let alone clean the house. Then at around 745pm I give Austin his bottle and attempt to put him down to bed all the while hearing Riley jumping off the couch and throwing toys in the living room.  Finally Austin is down and I return to Riley for his bedtime.  It is a fight every night and he never will just listen to me and by this time I am at my wits end and I just want to scream.  Sometimes I can hear Jason downstairs mumble "Be quiet" or "come on I am trying to sleep".  Then at around 830 he comes upstairs and has a little talk with Riley and "ta da" Riley magically stays in bed.  Mom is a failure I guess. XBVGHX!!!!!!  It is maddening to spend all your waking moments with two children, taking care of their every waking need and never getting any reward for the things you do.  After all taking care of your kids is rewarding in itself, right?  The one break you have from your kids is at work.  What I wouldn't give to spend a few hours in my own home alone.  I can keep dreaming because that is not going to happen anytime soon.  Then after all you've tried to accomplish in one day it is even more maddening to have someone else criticize you for the way you did it and show you no compassion or appreciation.  I guess my reward for my daily labors comes from the one person who sees it all and that would be Jesus.  Ok back to bedtime with Riley.    I read a book but one is never enough.  After all of this I try to pick up the house and then I just go to bed.  Then the next day is the same thing, over and over and over.  On the weekend I never get a break either unless I leave the house for a few hours to go shopping with my mom or out for breakfast but it is usually never more than 4 or 5 hours and when I return it is a pigsty in the house.  I am the only one who cleans the house so that makes things much easier.  I get to pick up after everyone if I want a clean house.  In the midst of all of this day to day STRESS I try to keep the house clean which is a 2 hour a day job at least and way more when 2 kids are constantly pulling at you.  Man a girl feels like saying "I give up."

It is no wonder I feel psychotic sometimes.  Wouldn't any one else in my shoes start to feel overwhelmed and tired.  I am trying my best every day to do everything I have to do the best I can but sometimes it all just falls apart.  I am writing my daily duties to show myself that I am not lazy, I am not psycho and I am not a failure.  You only fail when you don't try and you can't say I don't try.  The next time I am feeling depressed, useless, and like a failure....... I can read everything I did in one day and realize I am SUPERWOMAN!  HEAR ME ROAR!!!